It’s always been a tangled mess in here.
I can’t seem to undo any of it.
The harder I try, the messier it becomes and the tireder I get.
Can I sit right here and never, ever move again.
Please Lord Jesus.
The opinion of a leader. Tangle.
Past failures. Tangle.
Stage fright. Tangle.
All these invisible knots tied tightly to me, tripping me, chafing me, pulling me back.
Oh, and FEAR.
So much fear…
am I good enough?
For you Jesus
for my friends
for my family
for my church
for my work
Do I deserve life?
Carrying this fear in my voice; I sing – spirit lead me where my trust is without borders – inside I cower but Lord Jesus how will I ever reach these waters when even the sand on the shore looks like it will sink me in.
Again I sing –Holy spirit burn like a fire, all consuming, consume me– inside I still in a corner and reason with Jesus, saying Lord please not too much, lest I be seen as a distraction on platform. Let me only ever burn and be free in the quiet walls of my home, the time when it’s just you and me, allow me to keep my dignity in public.
Over and over again I shout out – I’m gonna sing until my voice won’t let me, as thunders roar I’ll shout your praise- then whisper… Please don’t let me be singing too flat, off key, too loud, too distracting… For the sake of those around me.
Always busy with knots and the fear,
Yet a still small prayer prevails, refusing to be silent, relentlessly beseeching,
Teach me Jesus, teach me, show me, lead me to let it all go. Unfurl me and guide me to being who you made me to be. The worshiper you whispered in me and gave life to as you lovingly molded me with your hands from your heart’s desired imagination. Lead me to living as that person. Fearless, abandoned and wholly stitched in your glory. Moved only by your breath. Remind me who I am and grant me the grace and freedom to be that person.
This is my heart’s written prayer.