I had a mini heart to heart with Tumelo Thursday about my outlook on the whole “some friendships are seasonal” concept. In short, I don’t believe in it. However, I am aware that situations change as do people’s trajectories, so the focus shifts and as do individual interests. And though this might affect how the friendship is navigated, I don’t believe it should die nor do people have to reject each other and stop supporting each other’s dreams because the other has “found” success, while the other is still finding their way.
In the past four years, I have lost friends to, what I have diagnosed as this rubbish way of thinking. Some of them stopped inviting me to those all-important milestone celebrations, others stopped talking and socialising with me. No explanation.
You’re reading this and (maybe) thinking “could you be the problem perhaps?”. Well, I don’t know, now we’re both left pondering the same thing.
On the one hand you want to accept the situation and move on, on the other, you’re trying to understand if you unintentionally hurt your friend. Did they hear/see anything at that offended them in you? Is this elusive “thing” the reason for their distance, their silence, their rejection? Which, by the way, hurts like a female dog.
I am obsessive about my friendships, I love my friends hard, I love them wide and very deep. So, I take “losing” them very, very badly.
You don’t simply give up on a relationship, you try fixing it. You do that untill you bruise yourself trying to dig into the root of the rot, so you can painfully pull it out and flourish freely. If it all fails, you walk away with a broken heart but having exhausted all options.
I agree that one should not be self-pitying. Why complain about a pit you planned to fall inside of from the start, right? Self-pity.
Sometimes we treat hurt people like their expression of pain and disappointment is nothing more than a hangover. As if they went out had a grand old time with their choice of alcoholic drink, then woke up with a massive hangover and now they’re merely complaining and moaning about a self-inflicted consequence. Hungover people probably get more sympathy than emotionally hurt ones anyway.
I did not intentionally choose (possibly) emotionally inept people to be my close friends, giving them the power to hurt me deeply, so I can then go out there and write a blog about it.
In the grown-up world; playgrounds have been done away with and so have lunches in the quad, civvies days at school, 13th, 16th and 18th birthdays are a distant memory. If you surround yourself with people who add value in your inner belly, are for you, genuinely for you, the drama and pettiness also stops.
But not completely. The awful thing about being an adult and having friendship dramas is that it’s embarrassing, to admit to. We’re grown now, we’re, “above all that”.
I was unarmed for them because I believed that I had chosen my friends wisely in my mature and insightful age. I am saved, I love Jesus, my friends love Jesus so they are what I refer to as “safe spaces”.
So the morning after my conversation with Tumelo I prayed for fruitfulness, I surprisingly heard myself say:
“Lord, please don’t take my friends away from me, don’t let me reject them or push them away. If I am in a fruitful (or hard) season and they are not, show me how to love them, include them and take them along with me.”
I prayed this because it had occurred to me to pray “REMOVE ANY AND ALL FRIENDS IN MY LIFE WHO NO LONGER BEAR FRUIT FOR ME AND WHERE I WANT TO BE”.
But actually I have gone through too much rubbish, nonsensical friendship hurt and rejection for this to be my prayer. I can’t be helping the devil win in my life by praying prayers that make him win.
I am still hurt and still healing, it is hard to trust new people in my life, but I am learning to work through that valley.
To end off and clarify, toxicity is never an environment you should be forcing yourself to be around, so I am not advocating that in this post.
So silverliners and sunnyday lovers, go out there and flourish in your friendships and have your people’s backs instead of turning your backs on your friends.
Drop me a mail if you can relate or would like to vent and speak on your hurt.